One of the pre-requisites for becoming a counsellor is an ability to listen. I remember being asked did I really know how to listen? My response was that of course I knew. Everybody I knew had always told me I was a great listener. For many of us, just "being there" for someone who needs you, is being a good listener, and in many ways it is. But there is so much more to listening than just hearing what the other person is saying.
A friend recently asked me why was it that her teenage children didn't listen to her. She was somewhat taken aback when I asked her did she listen to them? Had she ever shown them how to truly listen? She was adamant that she listened to them and hear what they were saying. There is a difference in hearing their words and hearing what they are saying.
In my expereince, teenagers don't listen to adults because adults don't listen to teenagers. In most cases, adults don't listen to adults. We spend the time thinking of what to say next, how to respond and what answers we are going to give. So most of thetime we hear words, but we don't hear what's being said.
We are creatures that learn a lot by demonstration and imitation. If as adults we are not listening and hearing each other, then that is the example of listening we are giving to our children and teenagers.
As humans ,we exist and survive based on our experiences and the pre-concieved ideas we have about people, places and situations. How often have you seen an old friend or aquaintance coming on your direction and thought to yourself , "Here comes Tom now. He's going to want to tell me about his son's latest sporting achievement. I really don't have time for this right now. I'm busy doing other stuff and have to find a way to get away quickly."? When Tom starts talking, you're two steps ahead in how you're going to get away from him. So even though you are hearing Tom's words, are you really hearing Tom?
In our rushed world we never have the time to sit down and really listen to people. We spend all of our lives giving "things" to others, and rarely give them time. It's easier to hand over a gift, or a book than just sit with somebody. So many people are wandering through ourlives on a daily basis, yet we hardly know any of them. Time has become as precious as gold, and we just just don't spend enough of it on our loved ones - or ourselves.
Listening starts with you. Each of us has to decide that we are really going to listen to another person, and in order to do that, we must first listen to ourselves. We have to turn off the insistent noise that is going on inside us every time we take time out for ourselves or others. There is an excellent book by the author Eckhart Tolle, who wrote "The Power of Now", called "Stillness Speaks". When is the last time you sat in stillness, either for yourself or with another? In this time of Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of Christ, when is the last time you sat and said "Speak Lord, your servant is Listening" and not worried about the endless list of gifts and food you need to buy?
If we each took time to listen to another, really listen, with our ears, our hearts and our minds, we would hear the real essence of the person. Turn off your pre-concieved ideas about people, slow down the racing mind that has you on the go all the time, and spend some of that precious time with someone dear to you. Here are a few tips that might help, especially for my friend with the teenagers;
Reflect on how your parents listened (or Didn't) to you as a teenager. Did it work? Did you feel heard? Are you now practicing with your children what you experienced?
When they speak, don't try an formulate a response. Just say "Thank You" when they are done talking. That's it. Ask if they want a response.
Play a conversation game. You and another person must have an entire conversation in questions.
Another game to play is every sentence must begin with "I".
Ask teens what they think about things. No critique, no "feedback". Just Listen. Don't worry about being right or making your point.
Children, and especially teens are trying to grapple with their natural deisre to detach from their parents. In the same way parents are trying to teach their children to care, pass on advice for getting on in life. These habits take a while to form. Be patient, practice listening and be committed to listening more.
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