Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Positive New Year’s Resolutions for 2011

Many people will be spending the next few days trying to come up with changes that they wish to make to their lives for the New Year.  A large proportion of them will be looking back in 3 weeks times at the resolutions they made and subsequently broke and wondering why they didn’t stick to them.  Perhaps it’s time to look at how you are making your “New Year’s Resolutions” and the process and mindset you are using to do this. 

Most resolutions are framed in the negative – “I’m going to give up smoking” or “I’m not going to eat as much chocolate / sweets” etc.  Framing your resolutions this way is promoting negative thinking and negative processes don’t always sit well with us.  How hard is it to give up something you feel you enjoy?  Is this not a form of punishment?  Why would you want to start a new year in this way? This negative way of looking at things can promote a negative self image and have you starting the New Year by thinking that you are doing something wrong.

Looking at our thought processes and the way we word things can have a much greater effect than you think.  Being positive is much better for your mental health and can allow those changes you wish to make in your life come easier to you.  In counselling we call this the mysterious art of Goal Setting.  So instead of setting New Year Resolutions – set some New Year Goals!  And if you’re going to set some goals, why not make them SMART goals.

Very briefly, your goals should be:
Specific –  A goal needs to be very specific.  Saying “I am going to get fit in 2011” is a bit too general.  Make the goal more specific like I am going to walk for half an hour three days a week, or I am going to cycle to work instead of driving or I’m going to join the local tennis club.  Something very specific that you can aim at.

Measureable – Your goals must be measurable so that you can check your progress as you go.  Setting a goal of earning a higher salary in 2011 than you did in 2010, is not really measureable until you get to the year end, however, setting a specific target and having benchmarks within that target is measurable, so that you can check your progress each month etc.

Attainable – This is vital.  If the goals you set are too far out of your reach then you will not try to achieve them.  You will start out with the best of intentions, but your subconscious mind will keep reminding you of the fact that this is too much for you and this can lead to procrastination and avoidance.

Realistic – This does not mean easy!  In this case it means do-able.  Setting a goal of giving up all sweets / chocolate etc may not be realistic for someone who really enjoys these foods, but a goal of replacing your mid morning chocolate bar with a piece of fruit is.  Make sure that your goals are realistic and that they are attainable (with a little effort).  Setting the bar too high can set you up for failure and too low can send the message that you don’t believe yourself very capable.  Set your goal to a level that will give you a sense of achievement and satisfaction when you reach it.
  
Timely – Set a time frame – or a series of them depending on the goal.  For example you could replace the mid morning chocolate with a piece of fruit every day by the end of January, and then you could change the fizzy, sugary soft drinks with water or fruit juice by February 28th and so on, until you reach your goal of replacing the vast majority of your unhealthy foods with healthy ones by a set time.

If you don’t set a timeframe then the commitment is too vague.  The goal can drift away because you can start anytime.  Without setting a time scale there’s no urgency to start taking action now.  Your timeframe must be measureable, attainable and realistic.

SMART goals are the ones that you can reach and surpass.  No point in setting your sights on the stars when you don’t know how to get off the floor.  So take the time to look at the changes you want to make in your life, and set yourself some goals for 2011.  If you have a close friend, share them with him / her and then you have someone to support you in reaching for them.

Enjoy the New Year and good luck with your goals for 2011.    

Friday, June 11, 2010

Passing the Buck.

"It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable." - Moliere


According to the Irish Times this morning the banking reports blame domestic factors for the for the banking crisis.  Opposition politicians are calling for the Taoiseach and other ministers to take responsibility for the recession, the Government are blaming advisers, Lehman brothers and father Christmas and the general public are definitely blaming the Government. The standard cry from bankers, politicians, journalists and Joe Public is "It's their fault".


Of course, in all situations where something has gone wrong, there is always a clamour for a scapegoat.  Someone to shoulder the blame for the wrongdoing.  That is how things have always been in everything from the economy, to career, relationships and personal lives.  It's always easier to blame someone else.


While there is a call for everything from a tribunal to investigate the economic crisis, to bank officials being made redundant and government agencies to be closed down, I haven't heard anyone call for an inquest into the responsibility of Joe and Josephine Public.  


Certainly the banks made funds easily available without really checking out the repayment capability of the customer.  They have to take responsibility for their part in the crisis.  However, I don't recall any news stories about members of the public being forced to take this money at gunpoint.  Nobody was threatening members of the public if they didn't take the cheap loans.


Mr & Ms Public wanted the second home, the new 4 X 4, the holiday home in Spain, Portugal or Bulgaria.  I wonder if the budgets prepared by the government in the early 2000's were the hair shirt budgets we now face, would the public have reacted in an understanding way?


The U.S. President, Harry S. Truman had a sign on his desk that read "The Buck Stops Here". Although he probably didn't originate the phrase, we probably wouldn't have heard of it without him.  The phrase meant that he didn't pass the buck, but that he took personal responsibility for the way the country was governed.  There's no doubt that we could do with a lot less buck passing and more responsibility in Ireland at the moment.


However, that personal responsibility is just that - personal. Each and every one of us must take responsibility for our own part in where we are in our lives.  Personal responsibility is an obligation to yourself. Life always gives you the consequences related to your action - or inaction, and like it or not, you must accept personal accountability for the mess and disorder that you have created in your life.  The onus is on you to amend your mistakes.  Individual responsibility also includes being accountable for the degree and level of your health, wealth, success and happiness.


When you look for who's at fault or what's wrong, you cannot advance in life because you have the wrong focus.  The solution is to forgive so that you can forget and change your focus. What has happened in the past doesn't matter. Your physical, emotional and mental growth are more important because what you put your energy into today will determine how you live in the future.


If you have the right attitude, you are less likely to create unnecessary problems in your life. If difficulties do happen out of your control, you are more likely to respond to them optimistically.  If you have children or employees you will understand the issue and importance of personal responsibility.  You will encourage it in them and display it yourself as a role model for them.


Anthony Robbins said that life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.  We cannot control anything else in our lives except ourselves.  While it's easier to look for someone to blame when something goes wrong and it's understandable that we look for that option first and foremost, maybe it's time that we started to change the way we look at things.  When is the last time that you asked yourself honestly - "What is my responsibility in this?"


Life is about choices, and you and you alone are responsible for the choices you make, as am I and everyone else.  If you go out for a walk and it looks like rain, you can bring an umbrella, but if you choose not to - then you can't blame the weather forecaster.


  "Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do." Johann Von Goethe.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Lost Art of Listening

One of the pre-requisites for becoming a counsellor is an ability to listen. I remember being asked did I really know how to listen? My response was that of course I knew. Everybody I knew had always told me I was a great listener. For many of us, just "being there" for someone who needs you, is being a good listener, and in many ways it is. But there is so much more to listening than just hearing what the other person is saying.

A friend recently asked me why was it that her teenage children didn't listen to her. She was somewhat taken aback when I asked her did she listen to them? Had she ever shown them how to truly listen? She was adamant that she listened to them and hear what they were saying. There is a difference in hearing their words and hearing what they are saying.

In my expereince, teenagers don't listen to adults because adults don't listen to teenagers. In most cases, adults don't listen to adults. We spend the time thinking of what to say next, how to respond and what answers we are going to give. So most of thetime we hear words, but we don't hear what's being said.

We are creatures that learn a lot by demonstration and imitation. If as adults we are not listening and hearing each other, then that is the example of listening we are giving to our children and teenagers.

As humans ,we exist and survive based on our experiences and the pre-concieved ideas we have about people, places and situations. How often have you seen an old friend or aquaintance coming on your direction and thought to yourself , "Here comes Tom now. He's going to want to tell me about his son's latest sporting achievement. I really don't have time for this right now. I'm busy doing other stuff and have to find a way to get away quickly."? When Tom starts talking, you're two steps ahead in how you're going to get away from him. So even though you are hearing Tom's words, are you really hearing Tom?

In our rushed world we never have the time to sit down and really listen to people. We spend all of our lives giving "things" to others, and rarely give them time. It's easier to hand over a gift, or a book than just sit with somebody. So many people are wandering through ourlives on a daily basis, yet we hardly know any of them. Time has become as precious as gold, and we just just don't spend enough of it on our loved ones - or ourselves.

Listening starts with you. Each of us has to decide that we are really going to listen to another person, and in order to do that, we must first listen to ourselves. We have to turn off the insistent noise that is going on inside us every time we take time out for ourselves or others. There is an excellent book by the author Eckhart Tolle, who wrote "The Power of Now", called "Stillness Speaks". When is the last time you sat in stillness, either for yourself or with another? In this time of Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of Christ, when is the last time you sat and said "Speak Lord, your servant is Listening" and not worried about the endless list of gifts and food you need to buy?

If we each took time to listen to another, really listen, with our ears, our hearts and our minds, we would hear the real essence of the person. Turn off your pre-concieved ideas about people, slow down the racing mind that has you on the go all the time, and spend some of that precious time with someone dear to you. Here are a few tips that might help, especially for my friend with the teenagers;

Reflect on how your parents listened (or Didn't) to you as a teenager. Did it work? Did you feel heard? Are you now practicing with your children what you experienced?

When they speak, don't try an formulate a response. Just say "Thank You" when they are done talking. That's it. Ask if they want a response.

Play a conversation game. You and another person must have an entire conversation in questions.

Another game to play is every sentence must begin with "I".

Ask teens what they think about things. No critique, no "feedback". Just Listen. Don't worry about being right or making your point.

Children, and especially teens are trying to grapple with their natural deisre to detach from their parents. In the same way parents are trying to teach their children to care, pass on advice for getting on in life. These habits take a while to form. Be patient, practice listening and be committed to listening more.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Why do men not seek help?

Why is it that a man will notice the slightest “odd sound” in his car’s engine, and rush off to either fix it himself or take it to a mechanic to have a look at it? How often have you been in a car with a male friend or relative and they’ve suddenly said “Did you hear that? That doesn’t sound right, I must have that looked at as soon as I get home”. Then suddenly there’s whole big project around making sure that whatever work is required is done,and in the most expeditious and efficient manner possible. Sound familiar? We probably all know this guy. He’s our dad / brother / boyfriend / husband / lover.

Compare that with how often you’ve heard a man say “I really don’t feel great, think I’ll pop along to the doc and have him check me out” or “I’ve been a little bit down lately, I’m worried about myself. I’m going to take a little time and try an figure out what’s upsetting me”. Sound famliar? I’m not so sure many of us know this guy.

I’ve just returned from the funeral of a man that I didn’t know very well. (He was an old friend of my partners). This man was in his late 40’s and died by suicide last Sunday (18th Oct 2009). Ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam. There was an estimated 4,000 people at the removal and between 2,000 and 3,000 at the funeral mass. The one comment that struck me over the last couple of days, was the amount of mourners that said, “If only he could see the amount of people that turned up for him” or “And he thought he was alone”.

As I sat in the church after the mass, while people sympathised with the various family members, I was struck by the amount of people who were genuinely upset,in some cases distraught,at the loss of this person from their lives. As usual, in my experience of Irish funerals, all of those upset were female. There were numerous women, of all ages, openly grieving their friend, while practically every man was being “brave” and “stoic”.

You could ocassionally see a male hand scratching the side of a nose,or rubbing an eye. Openly wiping a tear, would nor have been acceptable? Whilst I can’t claim to have seen every man at the funeral, the difference was notable. Personally, I too had very itchy eyes / nose at what was a moving service for someone who else who has gone too soon.

Why do we do this? What is it in men, that prevents us from reaching out? Do we rather suffer in silence , than ask for help with our pain? whether it’s physical or emotional. In 1975 a man was 2.4 times more likely to die by suicide than a woman- in 2005 that ratio had risen to 5:1 (W.H.O. Figures). How much more suffering an needless death must we experience before we start to wake up and smell the coffee?

Maybe it’s time to change our definitions of masculinity and male-ness. Is it time to accept our weaknesses, insecurities and vulnerabilities and allow those who love us, see and share our fears and worries? As Dr. Robert Anthony said:

“Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway”

Originally posted on my other blog