Installing Love

I got this on an email from a very close friend – Billy Brogan, a great counsellor, hypnotherapist and friend. I was so impressed and amused with this that I decided to post it in it’s entirety. I don’t know who originally wrote it – if I did I would credit them. I hope you take the time to read it and enjoy it.

Installing Love

Tech Support: Yes, … how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete all the many Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

Sports Counselling

Sport plays a unique part in our society. For as long as history has recorded there have been sports of one description or another played by people. Whether this was the highly organised endeavours we know today such as soccer, G.A.A., rugby, tennis, golf etc., or the more chaotic scenes of the games that the roman emperors organised in their arenas, people have been coming to watch their hero’s for as long as we can tell.

The people who play these sports and entertain the hardy few or the enthusiastic thousands have always revelled in the support of their fans – the people who turn up to watch and be entertained. It doesn’t seem to matter whether you are playing for the pride of the parish or the glory of World victory, people are always interested in your sport and more importantly – your performance.

More than ever before, the sportsperson faces enormous pressures. Whilst coaching enhances the individual’s sporting competence, the assistance provided by a counsellor or lifestyle coach promotes the individual’s emotional competence. An individual’s skill in their chosen field is vital to their onfield performance. Improving and assisting the athlete with this is the job of the coach or manager. The confidence and self-belief to cross that white line or take to the course / pool / track is as vital as ther individuals physical ability. This is the area where sorts counselling and coaching can help.

While sports psychology focuses on motivation and on field performance, sports counselling is concerned with the individual’s personal development. This area includes how an inidividual deals with clinical issues associated with sports performance. We assist people with performance anxiety, general anxiety and depression, reducing stress, overcoming fear of failure, coping with success and burnout. Other areas that we can assist with family and marital difficulties, recovering from inappropriate coping strategies such as drug and alcohol abuse. Sports counselling can assist in the development of sports people – athletes, coaches and managers and add to the overall performance and enjoyment of your chosen sport.

Low Self-Esteem / Low Self Confidence

People with low self-esteem or low self confidence do not see themselves clearly. They often magnify their defects and minimize their assets. The end result of this kind of thinking is a strong sense of feeling inadequate. Low self-confidence or low self esteem can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, addiction, weight loss, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, anger , not wanting to go to work / school and a lack of interest in socialising.

The causes of low self-esteem and low self-confidence are many and varied and can be ignited in the individual by such things as frivolous comments made by someone we love and care about such as family, school friends or work colleagues. Incidents such as being bullied or abused, reading in class, having to make a speech or a presentation , asking a girl/boy out, the break up of a relationship, a bereavement in the family or a close friend, impending exams, work stresses, new college, new job / career, missing a vital free penalty in sport can all be traumatising and open up new thoughts like “I'm no good”, “I always mess things up” or “nothing ever goes right for me”.

Counselling and Psychotherapy is the best process to regain confidence and recover your self esteem. Counselling offers a safe, confidential, supportive and non-judgmental place to talk and be heard. It also offers a deeper insight into self esteem and self worth. Teaching new ways of processing feelings and thoughts and offering better choices - leading to new behaviours. Remember we were not born with the above issues but have collected them along life's journey. Counselling offers us the chance to revisit the places where we may have collected these thoughts and behaviours. By revisiting we can readdress them in a more positive way emerging as new individuals with greater self value and self worth and richer for the experience.Call me for an appointment on (087) 320 6842.

Reasons to be cheerful – 1

So 2011 is here! I think most of us will wish a rather cheery goodbye to 2010 and try and look forward to this New Year with hope and belief that it can’t be any worse than the last couple of years.  But maybe there’s another way of looking at it than hoping and wishing that things will get better. I was thinking of my late mother today and one of her many words of wisdom came to mind, “when you’re feeling down – take a minute to count your blessings”.  I think we have all heard this from our parents or grandparents at some point.

So that gave me pause for thought. What are the blessings in my life?  In how many ways am I blessed?  Although life has become a bit of a struggle for all of us in recent years, when I look at the real joy in my life, could it be replaced or made better if there was a sudden upsurge in the economy?  If I had done some things differently, would those blessings be any better? 

The answer to these questions, in my case is generally – No!  Last night I was hugged by my eight year old son and as he lay beside me wishing me a happy new year, he said “I love you Dad”.  No amount of money or status can replace that feeling. So if, as I believe, all of my life has served to lead me to this point, then it has been a success.  The unconditional love of my son, his belief in me as a father and the pure joy I get from hearing him say those words could not have been made any better by anything.

The great Swiss psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said “There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”  Maybe it’s time to sit back and take stock of what is good in our lives instead of worrying about what’s wrong or not so good?  Each day is a fresh start and a time to re-evaluate our position in the world and whether that’s good or not-so-great, is there anything I can do to change it?

I hope you all have a happy and joy filled 2011.  Our blessings are there, all around us in every moment of every day, we just have to open our eyes and see them.  As Jonathan Swift supposedly said “May you live all the days of your life.”  

Positive New Year’s Resolutions for 2011

Many people will be spending the next few days trying to come up with changes that they wish to make to their lives for the New Year.  A large proportion of them will be looking back in 3 weeks times at the resolutions they made and subsequently broke and wondering why they didn’t stick to them.  Perhaps it’s time to look at how you are making your “New Year’s Resolutions” and the process and mindset you are using to do this. 

Most resolutions are framed in the negative – “I’m going to give up smoking” or “I’m not going to eat as much chocolate / sweets” etc.  Framing your resolutions this way is promoting negative thinking and negative processes don’t always sit well with us.  How hard is it to give up something you feel you enjoy?  Is this not a form of punishment?  Why would you want to start a new year in this way? This negative way of looking at things can promote a negative self image and have you starting the New Year by thinking that you are doing something wrong.

Looking at our thought processes and the way we word things can have a much greater effect than you think.  Being positive is much better for your mental health and can allow those changes you wish to make in your life come easier to you.  In counselling we call this the mysterious art of Goal Setting.  So instead of setting New Year Resolutions – set some New Year Goals!  And if you’re going to set some goals, why not make them SMART goals.

Very briefly, your goals should be:

Specific –  A goal needs to be very specific.  Saying “I am going to get fit in 2011” is a bit too general.  Make the goal more specific like I am going to walk for half an hour three days a week, or I am going to cycle to work instead of driving or I’m going to join the local tennis club.  Something very specific that you can aim at.

Measureable – Your goals must be measurable so that you can check your progress as you go.  Setting a goal of earning a higher salary in 2011 than you did in 2010, is not really measureable until you get to the year end, however, setting a specific target and having benchmarks within that target is measurable, so that you can check your progress each month etc.

Attainable – This is vital.  If the goals you set are too far out of your reach then you will not try to achieve them.  You will start out with the best of intentions, but your subconscious mind will keep reminding you of the fact that this is too much for you and this can lead to procrastination and avoidance.

Realistic – This does not mean easy!  In this case it means do-able.  Setting a goal of giving up all sweets / chocolate etc may not be realistic for someone who really enjoys these foods, but a goal of replacing your mid morning chocolate bar with a piece of fruit is.  Make sure that your goals are realistic and that they are attainable (with a little effort).  Setting the bar too high can set you up for failure and too low can send the message that you don’t believe yourself very capable.  Set your goal to a level that will give you a sense of achievement and satisfaction when you reach it.

  

Timely – Set a time frame – or a series of them depending on the goal.  For example you could replace the mid morning chocolate with a piece of fruit every day by the end of January, and then you could change the fizzy, sugary soft drinks with water or fruit juice by February 28^th and so on, until you reach your goal of replacing the vast majority of your unhealthy foods with healthy ones by a set time.

If you don’t set a timeframe then the commitment is too vague.  The goal can drift away because you can start anytime.  Without setting a time scale there’s no urgency to start taking action now.  Your timeframe must be measureable, attainable and realistic.

SMART goals are the ones that you can reach and surpass.  No point in setting your sights on the stars when you don’t know how to get off the floor.  So take the time to look at the changes you want to make in your life, and set yourself some goals for 2011.  If you have a close friend, share them with him / her and then you have someone to support you in reaching for them.

Enjoy the New Year and good luck with your goals for 2011.    

Passing the Buck.

"It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable." - Moliere


According to the Irish Times this morning the banking reports blame domestic factors for the for the banking crisis.  Opposition politicians are calling for the Taoiseach and other ministers to take responsibility for the recession, the Government are blaming advisers, Lehman brothers and father Christmas and the general public are definitely blaming the Government. The standard cry from bankers, politicians, journalists and Joe Public is "It's their fault".


Of course, in all situations where something has gone wrong, there is always a clamour for a scapegoat.  Someone to shoulder the blame for the wrongdoing.  That is how things have always been in everything from the economy, to career, relationships and personal lives.  It's always easier to blame someone else.


While there is a call for everything from a tribunal to investigate the economic crisis, to bank officials being made redundant and government agencies to be closed down, I haven't heard anyone call for an inquest into the responsibility of Joe and Josephine Public.  


Certainly the banks made funds easily available without really checking out the repayment capability of the customer.  They have to take responsibility for their part in the crisis.  However, I don't recall any news stories about members of the public being forced to take this money at gunpoint.  Nobody was threatening members of the public if they didn't take the cheap loans.


Mr & Ms Public wanted the second home, the new 4 X 4, the holiday home in Spain, Portugal or Bulgaria.  I wonder if the budgets prepared by the government in the early 2000's were the hair shirt budgets we now face, would the public have reacted in an understanding way?


The U.S. President, Harry S. Truman had a sign on his desk that read "The Buck Stops Here". Although he probably didn't originate the phrase, we probably wouldn't have heard of it without him.  The phrase meant that he didn't pass the buck, but that he took personal responsibility for the way the country was governed.  There's no doubt that we could do with a lot less buck passing and more responsibility in Ireland at the moment.


However, that personal responsibility is just that - personal. Each and every one of us must take responsibility for our own part in where we are in our lives.  Personal responsibility is an obligation to yourself. Life always gives you the consequences related to your action - or inaction, and like it or not, you must accept personal accountability for the mess and disorder that you have created in your life.  The onus is on you to amend your mistakes.  Individual responsibility also includes being accountable for the degree and level of your health, wealth, success and happiness.


When you look for who's at fault or what's wrong, you cannot advance in life because you have the wrong focus.  The solution is to forgive so that you can forget and change your focus. What has happened in the past doesn't matter. Your physical, emotional and mental growth are more important because what you put your energy into today will determine how you live in the future.


If you have the right attitude, you are less likely to create unnecessary problems in your life. If difficulties do happen out of your control, you are more likely to respond to them optimistically.  If you have children or employees you will understand the issue and importance of personal responsibility.  You will encourage it in them and display it yourself as a role model for them.


Anthony Robbins said that life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.  We cannot control anything else in our lives except ourselves.  While it's easier to look for someone to blame when something goes wrong and it's understandable that we look for that option first and foremost, maybe it's time that we started to change the way we look at things.  When is the last time that you asked yourself honestly - "What is my responsibility in this?"


Life is about choices, and you and you alone are responsible for the choices you make, as am I and everyone else.  If you go out for a walk and it looks like rain, you can bring an umbrella, but if you choose not to - then you can't blame the weather forecaster.

  "Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do." Johann Von Goethe.

The Lost Art of Listening

One of the pre-requisites for becoming a counsellor is an ability to listen. I remember being asked did I really know how to listen? My response was that of course I knew. Everybody I knew had always told me I was a great listener. For many of us, just "being there" for someone who needs you, is being a good listener, and in many ways it is. But there is so much more to listening than just hearing what the other person is saying.

A friend recently asked me why was it that her teenage children didn't listen to her. She was somewhat taken aback when I asked her did she listen to them? Had she ever shown them how to truly listen? She was adamant that she listened to them and hear what they were saying. There is a difference in hearing their words and hearing what they are saying.

In my expereince, teenagers don't listen to adults because adults don't listen to teenagers. In most cases, adults don't listen to adults. We spend the time thinking of what to say next, how to respond and what answers we are going to give. So most of thetime we hear words, but we don't hear what's being said.

We are creatures that learn a lot by demonstration and imitation. If as adults we are not listening and hearing each other, then that is the example of listening we are giving to our children and teenagers.

As humans ,we exist and survive based on our experiences and the pre-concieved ideas we have about people, places and situations. How often have you seen an old friend or aquaintance coming on your direction and thought to yourself , "Here comes Tom now. He's going to want to tell me about his son's latest sporting achievement. I really don't have time for this right now. I'm busy doing other stuff and have to find a way to get away quickly."? When Tom starts talking, you're two steps ahead in how you're going to get away from him. So even though you are hearing Tom's words, are you really hearing Tom?

In our rushed world we never have the time to sit down and really listen to people. We spend all of our lives giving "things" to others, and rarely give them time. It's easier to hand over a gift, or a book than just sit with somebody. So many people are wandering through ourlives on a daily basis, yet we hardly know any of them. Time has become as precious as gold, and we just just don't spend enough of it on our loved ones - or ourselves.

Listening starts with you. Each of us has to decide that we are really going to listen to another person, and in order to do that, we must first listen to ourselves. We have to turn off the insistent noise that is going on inside us every time we take time out for ourselves or others. There is an excellent book by the author Eckhart Tolle, who wrote "The Power of Now", called "Stillness Speaks". When is the last time you sat in stillness, either for yourself or with another? In this time of Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of Christ, when is the last time you sat and said "Speak Lord, your servant is Listening" and not worried about the endless list of gifts and food you need to buy?

If we each took time to listen to another, really listen, with our ears, our hearts and our minds, we would hear the real essence of the person. Turn off your pre-concieved ideas about people, slow down the racing mind that has you on the go all the time, and spend some of that precious time with someone dear to you. Here are a few tips that might help, especially for my friend with the teenagers;

Reflect on how your parents listened (or Didn't) to you as a teenager. Did it work? Did you feel heard? Are you now practicing with your children what you experienced?

When they speak, don't try an formulate a response. Just say "Thank You" when they are done talking. That's it. Ask if they want a response.

Play a conversation game. You and another person must have an entire conversation in questions.

Another game to play is every sentence must begin with "I".

Ask teens what they think about things. No critique, no "feedback". Just Listen. Don't worry about being right or making your point.

Children, and especially teens are trying to grapple with their natural deisre to detach from their parents. In the same way parents are trying to teach their children to care, pass on advice for getting on in life. These habits take a while to form. Be patient, practice listening and be committed to listening more.