Why do men not seek help?

Why is it that a man will notice the slightest “odd sound” in his car’s engine, and rush off to either fix it himself or take it to a mechanic to have a look at it? How often have you been in a car with a male friend or relative and they’ve suddenly said “Did you hear that? That doesn’t sound right, I must have that looked at as soon as I get home”. Then suddenly there’s whole big project around making sure that whatever work is required is done,and in the most expeditious and efficient manner possible. Sound familiar? We probably all know this guy. He’s our dad / brother / boyfriend / husband / lover.

Compare that with how often you’ve heard a man say “I really don’t feel great, think I’ll pop along to the doc and have him check me out” or “I’ve been a little bit down lately, I’m worried about myself. I’m going to take a little time and try an figure out what’s upsetting me”. Sound famliar? I’m not so sure many of us know this guy.

I’ve just returned from the funeral of a man that I didn’t know very well. (He was an old friend of my partners). This man was in his late 40’s and died by suicide last Sunday (18th Oct 2009). Ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam. There was an estimated 4,000 people at the removal and between 2,000 and 3,000 at the funeral mass. The one comment that struck me over the last couple of days, was the amount of mourners that said, “If only he could see the amount of people that turned up for him” or “And he thought he was alone”.

As I sat in the church after the mass, while people sympathised with the various family members, I was struck by the amount of people who were genuinely upset,in some cases distraught,at the loss of this person from their lives. As usual, in my experience of Irish funerals, all of those upset were female. There were numerous women, of all ages, openly grieving their friend, while practically every man was being “brave” and “stoic”.

You could ocassionally see a male hand scratching the side of a nose,or rubbing an eye. Openly wiping a tear, would nor have been acceptable? Whilst I can’t claim to have seen every man at the funeral, the difference was notable. Personally, I too had very itchy eyes / nose at what was a moving service for someone who else who has gone too soon.

Why do we do this? What is it in men, that prevents us from reaching out? Do we rather suffer in silence , than ask for help with our pain? whether it’s physical or emotional. In 1975 a man was 2.4 times more likely to die by suicide than a woman- in 2005 that ratio had risen to 5:1 (W.H.O. Figures). How much more suffering an needless death must we experience before we start to wake up and smell the coffee?

Maybe it’s time to change our definitions of masculinity and male-ness. Is it time to accept our weaknesses, insecurities and vulnerabilities and allow those who love us, see and share our fears and worries? As Dr. Robert Anthony said:

“Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway”

Originally posted on my other blog